The Tale of the Ichigan no KinzokuKouzou
by Coldredcynic
Summary: The greatest threat Humanity has ever known is still sealed into the newborn Uzumaki Naruto. It's just the wrong threat.


**AN: Shit. I'm turning into NeonZangetsu here, always coming out with new stories and never continuing old ones. Well whatever, I got that writin' itch and it just wouldn't go away. All y'all authors reading this here thing know what I'm talkin' about. Ok, listen up story status time: Viral is 99% dead. WiTD is around 50% dead, I don't WANT to give up on it but I might have to. If I do I'll put it up for adoption rather than kill it. Zero's Effect is not dead, just stuck. I've been on a Mass Effect kick and I just recently started playing Saints Row 3. Expect insanity to ensue here fairly soon. So yeah, more Mass Effect weirdness. NOTE: This story contains lines directly copied from Viral Guardian. IDGAF about this, I'm lazy and I know it.**

**OH BTW: The tile roughly translates as "The tale of the One-Eyed Metal Construct" for those wondering  
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**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto, Don't own Touhou, and I don't own Mass Effect. Wish I did though, then Shepard and Tali would have ridden off into Rannoch's sunset and raised little hybrid babies whilst legion looked on in confusion.**

* * *

Namikaze Minato stared out upon the beast before him. Kyuubi no Kitsune, greatest of the Biju. He wondered to himself how this had happened. What had Konoha done to enrage the beast in such a manner?

"Hokage-sama!" An ANBU appeared via _Shunshin_, a small puff of smoke signaling his arrival. "Evacuation is complete, sir. Further orders?"

Minato's eyes narrowed. He knew it would come to this; the beast simply could not be destroyed by mortal means. Even his legendary _Hiraishin _and _Rasengan_ combination would be little more than a series of flea bites to the fox.

"Fall back." He ordered.

"Sir! But…"

"I gave an order, Taka!"

"Yes, Hokage-sama!" The ANBU disappeared. Below, the ninja forces of Konohagakure began to slowly withdraw into the village.

'_Well, time to bite the kunai'_ Minato thought grimly. _"Kuchiyose no Jutsu!"_ With these words, a massive plume of smoke concealed the man, and when it cleared, there stood a humongous toad, with Minato standing upon its head.

"**What have you summoned me for, Minato-boyo?"** The toad inquired. Minato simply pointed towards the fox. **"I see. I hope you don't expect me to beat that."**

"No Gamabunta, simply hold him off while I complete a certain technique."

"**All right, I suppose you know best. But you'd better hurry."**

With that, the toad leaped towards the fox, and began engaging it with techniques. Minato grimaced and began a chain of hand signs that once completed; he knew would forever change the course of history.

If only he knew how much.

* * *

A great battle raged. The entire military might of the galaxy had assembled, brought together by one man. Their purpose was both simple and yet unimaginably difficult: To defeat, or at least hold against a threat so terrible, so powerful, that in over 37 million years none had ever matched it. Reapers. The core of the Reaper fleet, in fact, assembled over Earth and surrounding the Citadel.

Turian dreadnaughts fired a never-ending salvo of mass-accelerated slugs, Asari cruisers hammering away alongside them. Quarian liveships, fitted with jury-rigged thanix cannons pumped round after round into the smaller reaper destroyers, Geth dreadnaughts helping finish off them off. The combined might of the Systems Alliance 1st, 3rd, 5th and 6th fleets advanced slowly, surrounding the now completed Crucible. Even the Batarians were present, holding their own against a smaller splinter fleet of reapers.

As the larger ships pounded away, a massive pitched dogfight was in progress, Turian M-wings, Alliance fighters and Geth gunships swarming against Oculus fighter drones in a deadly dance.

On Earth, Commander Shepard, the man who had single-handedly brought such a force together, stared up at a familiar visage. Harbinger, self-proclaimed 'leader' of the Reapers, stood guard over the Conduit at the heart of the now ruined city of London.

**"SHEPARD. IT COMES TO THIS. TO THINK THAT YOU HAVE COME THIS FAR. WHEN YOU HAVE FAILED, I SHALL PERSONALLY INTEGRATE YOU INTO MY SHELL, AS REMEMBERANCE OF THAT WHICH GAVE US GREATEST PAUSE."**

"I'm honored, really. But I think I'll pass, Harbinger. You and your kind are finished. This ends now."

**"INDEED IT DOES. BUT NOT IN THE WAY YOU WISH IT. GOODBYE, SHEPARD. KNOW THAT YOUR KIND WILL BE REMEMBERED."**

As the reaper began charging its beam, Shepard hefted the M-920 Cain onto his shoulder and took aim. Both weapons fired at the same time, and as they collided, a massive explosion rent the air. When the dust cleared, Harbinger was nowhere to be seen. Shepard looked around in confusion. Garrus Vakarian, steadfast ally of the human commander, walked over and helped Shepard to his feet.

"I think I can safely speak for all of us Shepard, when I ask, as you humans say, 'What the fuck?'"

* * *

As Namikaze Minato finished the handsigns to summon the death god, two things happened. Firstly, the shade of the great shinigami appeared, though its appearance was not what he expected. Indeed, a pink-twin-ponytailed, large-chested woman was probably the exact opposite of what he expected to have summoned.

Secondly, a terrible and ageless noise, like that of a warped gong, reverberated across the village of Konoha, as the fox was instantly ripped apart by a great red beam that was being emitted by the second entity that had appeared, an absolutely humongous cyclopian metal construct.

**"WHAT IS THIS? WHAT HAS HAPPENED? SHEPARD, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!"**

The voice pounded into Minato's head, filling him with a primal fear. He turned to the woman next to him, who was...snoring?

"Shinigami-sama! Shinigami-sama!"

"Zzz...chghg! What, Who! Wait a minute...where am I? Oh, Shikieki-sama is going to kill me when she finds I've disappeared! Huh? Who are you, blondie?"

"My name is Namikaze Minato, Shinigami-sama, I had summoned you to seal the Kyuubi no Youko into my son, but it appears to be dead. I suppose...I need to seal that thing now instead."

Onozuka Komachi considered herself a fairly competent shinigami. Sure, she wasn't the hardest of workers like that Botan chick, nor did she feel the same sense of urgency in her that that orange haired menace did either. But she did have her pride, and being summoned for a sealing was something even she had to take seriously.

"Well, alright then. I don't know what you summoned, Blondie, but If you need it sealed, I can do that."

With that, she began chanting, and the body's of Minato and baby Naruto began glowing, as did the shell of Harbinger.

**"WHAT ARE YOU DOING, ORGANIC? WHAT BIOTIC TRICKERY IS THIS?"**

"Oh shut your yap, you wierd machine. Just get in there already."

As harbinger began glowing more brightly, it became aware that its consciousness was slowly being transferred to that of the infant organic. It proceeded to do what any self-respecting godlike synthetic would do. It got confused, and so failed to struggle hard enough to fight the transfer. The last thought it had before a massive overload of garbage data temporarily fried its servers was a garbled, **'DAMN YOU SHEPARDDDDDD'**

With that, Namikaze Minato ceased to bodily exist, as did harbinger. Komachi winked out of existence, leaving a now-crying Uzumaki Naruto lying in the dirt, containing within himself the deadliest threat to humanity ever. The assembled ninja who proceeded to recover the infant and brought him to the now reinstated 3rd Hokage would later swear they, to a man, shivered as they laid eyes on the babe.

_To be Continued..._

* * *

_**Omake: The other side.**_

As it turned out, without Harbinger there to coordinate them, the reapers were nothing more than oversized VIs. They were quickly hacked and reprogrammed by the geth to serve as galactic peacekeepers.

Shepard proceeded into the citadel, where he was confronted by a very irate AI construct calling itself the Catalyst, demanding that he sacrifice his life to forcibly merge synthetic and organic life after recounting some bullshit, hypocritical tale of how synthetics and organics could never exist in harmony, to which Shepard retorted that he had in fact done exactly that vis a vis Quarians and Geth.

Any further attempts by the catalyst to do anything were interrupted by the arrival of Tali'zorra vas Normandy, who proceeded to shout "damn the sickness" and quickly stripped both herself and Shepard of clothes and spent the next 14 hours making sweet alien love, though not before hacking the catalyst's terminal to force it to watch.

Tali and Shepard then both got picked up by the Normandy, which after a quick victory flyby of the assembled fleets jumped straight to Rannoch, where they lived happily ever after and had lots of Hybrid-amino-acid babies.

* * *

**AN: AND CUT. Yes, Harbinger is OOC. Honestly, any portrayal of it other than KILL ALL ORGANICS is OOC. I like Harbinger, it's arguably my favorite character (after tali-moe-moe, of course). I was really pissed of by the ME3 ending, as you might have noticed, partially because of that bullshit about Artistic Integrity, partially because I wanted a happy ending dammit, and partially because I felt that the reapers were not taken seriously enough. The reapers present a very complex, Cthulu-esque feel throughout the whole series, we have no idea why they do what they do, we can't even begin to understand their motives. Then suddenly HERP A DERP THEY'RE SYNTHETICS WHO KILL ORGANICS TO PREVENT SYNTHETICS FROM KILLING ORGANICS DERP DERP. I mean WTF? You don't build up an enemy as horrible and unknowable then suddenly give them some half-assed hypocritical motive IN THE LAST 5 MINUTES.**


End file.
